BKJN Pat: Mouth, words, thoughts, my reality

August 23, 2015

We've all heard the childhood chant: "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me".  As a child I didn't question that.  As an adult, and hopefully a fully evolving human being, I know that words can hurt in ways we never truly heal from.  Words are powerful and the ones we use make an impression on those around us and on ourselves.  This week, I had yet another lesson about how my words, my own words, make me or break me. 

This week's lesson was about the connection between what comes out of my mouth and what thoughts ramble around in my head.  I realized that once words are out of my mouth, they trip a cycle of thoughts in my head that can defeat me more than anything else ever can.  They are my words; my thoughts. 

I have struggled throughout my life, to see my own value, to appreciate who I am and all that I am capable of.  I am my own worst critic and I cut me very little slack.  It's very easy for me to find fault in myself and all the ways I don't measure up.  That really came home to me this week.  My first response, the words out of my mouth, when asked to do something in our martial arts class is "I can't, or some under my breath mumbling about how I'll just screw up.  Once those words  are out, they rule.  And while I might not be the colossal failure I was prepared to be, it is a very uncomfortable place for me to be.  From there, I don't see anything positive or possible. 

My real life experiences, don't support this view I take.  I have many more successes than failures.  If I try to do something, I generally can and do.  Clearly, my thoughts patterns are well ingrained and it wasn't going to be easy to stop a life long habit.  Yet when I reached the point of wanting to give up on this test, I knew things had to change.  When I could clearly see the connection between what came out of my mouth and the thoughts that followed, I understood that I needed to stop those self defeating words.  Because when I didn't say those words, my head stayed quiet and the thoughts didn't take over.  I resolved to consciously choose a different response.  For example,  on Monday KJN asked SBN Terri and I to demonstrate a technique.  In the past I would have grumbled some disparaging remark about how I couldn't do that, but this time I said "we'd be happy to".  It completely changed everything about the demonstration.   I resolved to make an effort to not let comments come out of my mouth that are not supportive and complementary.  If I do, I try to replace that with something less negative, if I can't go totally positive.  It was a small thing really, but it has had big benefits.  And it's been surprisingly easy to curb my  mouth which in turn quiets all the things that play in my head and keep me from appreciating the truth of who I am.  It's been a more peaceful productive week.  It is something I will have to work at, but the ease with which I could begin to make changes, gives me hope that this will be something I one day leave behind.

This Saturday was our first Saturday special training.  I wasn't sure what we'd be in for.  It's been a lot of years since I was more than a support person during training.  Saturday morning I didn't do my push ups or sit ups or ride my bike.  I was fairly certain there would be a run involved Saturday morning and probably some push ups, etc.  Well there weren't any push ups or sit ups, but the training was pretty much non stop for the first hour and then a run.  We did more repetitions than I typically get in class time and I came away with a renewed sense of how training has to change to make my performance during the test something I'll be proud of.  I was exhausted when we were done and thankful that I hadn't waited to get started on my conditioning.  Even with all I've been doing, it was a challenge... as it should be.

This weeks training: August 17-22, 2015

                   This week         4/1- present         1/3 - 3/31           Grand total ( so far) 
Push ups:   1,000                 18,734                   6,233                     24,967

Sit ups:      1,000                 18,175                   6,233                     24,408
Running:     9.44 miles
Bicycling:   14.5 miles
Classes:  2 Black Belt, 2 private, 2 stick , and Saturday Special training.  By all counts a full week.