KJN Pat: One last post

October 18, 2015

The journey that began 10 months ago has come to an end. That day that seemed so far off at the beginning has come and gone.  Our Mastery Test was this weekend: technical testing and conditioning on Saturday and the show at the Atlantis on Sunday. I can't even totally remember what life was like before there was so much focus on training and preparation. I wrote on my calendars starting on the 19th "I am free".  I don't really know what that means.  One of my boys asked if I was going to continue with my martial arts.  How could I not?  It is part of who I am, and it is through the journey to 5th degree black belt that I came to have a fuller appreciation of who I am and all that I am capable of doing.  

At the end of the show tonight, the Mastery team had to break bricks rather than boards.  Uncharacteristically, I was thrilled at the prospect of bricks rather than boards.  For my 1st degree test I had to break one brick, and I did.  For my second degree black belt test I had to break two and I didn't.  For my third degree I had to break 3 and I did.  We didn't do bricks on our 4th degree test.  At last year's black belt show, I chose to break two bricks because I hadn't accomplished that yet.  It was easy.  So when faced with the prospect of breaking 4 bricks, I thought I had that covered.  That was until I thought about how high the bricks would be stacked compared to how tall I am and whether I would be able to get high enough above them to put the force of my body into the break.  But I quickly dismissed that and decided I'd face the 4 bricks and see what happens.   I didn't break my four bricks. I gave it four tries and then stepped away.  KJN Paul suggested an elbow break rather than a palm strike, but  I didn't feel confident enough about an elbow break to try it.  Although it was a disappointment,  I remembered back to KJN Tony Thompson counseling me after my defeat on the ropes course the first day of our 4th degree test.  He told me that if I thought I would not ever come up against things I couldn't do I was in for a lot of grief.( that's the gist of what he said; I can't remember the exact words, though I imagine they're written in one of my journals) There will be those things.  But they don't define me.

I could dwell on not breaking my bricks. But to do that would negate all the things I did do, all the ways I showed up for this mastery test and all the reasons I have to be proud.  That would be wrong and undeserved.   There will always be room for improvement and things I wish I had done better or differently.  Those experiences can be a spring board for learning.  A motivation to look at the things I can change and recognize the things I can't.  That would be a valuable purpose: to learn and grow rather than devalue and criticize.  I've done enough of that.  Not breaking my bricks doesn't mean I don't deserve my  new rank.  Recognizing there are things I could do differently and being open to the opportunity to try again- maybe at next year's black belt show- gives value to this experience. 

I am a KJN.  I told KJN Paul I wouldn't ever make it to first degree.  He didn't believe that.  I'm glad in the end I didn't either.    The journey changes but is not over.  I can't even begin to imagine what's in store but I know I won't want to miss even one minute of it.